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One of the things i wanted for this blog was that it could be a space for me to write about the things i am passionate about, and for people to come and hopefully learn new things and get advice. It may seem a little mish mash, but i quite like it that way. It's the same with my thoughts and worries- they are all over the place and at times overwhelming. I wanted to do this post to hopefully reach out to others who may be feeling the same and to help them realise that it is nothing to be ashamed of.
My relationship (if you can call it that!) with anxiety goes way back, it has been there as long as i can remember. I was always the kid who was anxious, worried, or shy and i remember always feeling that i didn't quite belong anywhere. It escalated into panic attacks in my teens, particularly after my parents split and my once 'safe haven' was now in tatters. It is hard to describe a panic attack to those who have never experienced one (boy, are they lucky!), but i remember the first time i had one, i was 14 and i genuinely thought i was dying. My heart was racing, i couldn't breathe, i was sweaty, shaky and hot. I started to feel dizzy and light headed, all the sounds and lights around me became overwhelming and time seemed to stand still almost, while i was struggling to breathe. There was a tightness in my chest unlike anything i had ever felt before and i was absolutely terrified. I tried to call out to my mum but the words wouldn't come out, almost as if they got stuck in my throat and threatened to choke me. It was horrific, and unfortunately, it was not an isolated incident. I went on to have many more, although none were as terrifying as that first one. I guess you just get better at managing them.
I still struggle with anxiety, i constantly worry, think of the worst case scenario and wait for bad things to happen, because it is nigh on impossible for me to believe that anything good will ever happen to me. There are days where i can't get out of bed, i dread the day to come and the things that i have to get done. Social occasions that excite others fill me with dread and i have to force myself to go. I hate what i see in the mirror and find it hard to understand why anyone would want to be around me. I don't believe in myself, and put far too much pressure on myself to achieve and strive for perfection, which of course, is unobtainable to anyone.
In my more logical and clearer moments, i can sit and rationalise things and realise how silly it must seem to an outsider who doesn't feel this way. In fact, just reading back that previous paragraph and it almost feels like someone else wrote it- that surely can't be me? But in the midst of anxiety, when it really has a grip on you, rationalisation is absolutely out of the question.
The scary thing about all this is that nobody is immune from it and it is far more common than we think. So why is discussing it still so taboo? We should be able to talk about our mental health in the same way as our physical health without fear of judgement or ridicule. Everyone should have access to the right help, support and treatment they need to get on top of their problems and should not feel ashamed to ask for help.
Suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 45 and just last week, it claimed the life of a former colleague of mine. How is this still acceptable? How is it that people, especially men, are still so afraid of seeking help, so afraid of what people may think of them, that they feel their only option is to take their own life?
I am here to say that nobody is ever alone, and i will make it my duty to open my inbox to anyone who feels they need to talk. I promise i will not judge you and i will do everything i can to help. I will not stop campaigning, with Mind and Time to Change, until stigma is eradicated and we can all access the help we need. Please ask for help, the world is a better place with you in it!
If you feel you need urgent help, the Samaritans helpline (UK and ROI) is 116 123. 24/7, 365, they are there to answer the phones to anyone who needs them.