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Those of you who follow me on social media will be aware that earlier this week, I highlighted that fact that it was stress awareness month and that I thought it was about time I told my story in support of it.
This has not been easy for me to relive, but writing about it has been incredibly cathartic and therapeutic and I only hope that at least one person takes something from it!
Most of you will know I am a Psychologist as my day job (I am also a qualified personal trainer and yoga teacher). But I also suffer from crippling anxiety and have done for as long as I can remember. I have had countless talking therapies, which I really did find helpful (I know this is not the case for everyone), and also find mindfulness a helpful tool to manage my symptoms.
However, just over a year ago, I went through one of the worst periods of my life in terms of my mental health, which lasted for a prolonged amount of time. I lost my beloved nan to cancer in August of 2017, only 12 days after we found out she had it. She was the closest person I had ever lost, and I was heartbroken. Seeing her deteriorate was the worst thing I have ever had to witness and even though it brought me a little comfort to know she was no longer in pain, I could not fathom the idea of never seeing her again.
Shortly after this, in March 2018, I had another cruel blow. I do not wish to go through the ins and outs, but I was having a very tough time at my job (not my current job!), which resulted in my absence and eventual resignation (although I truly believe I took the jump before I was pushed!). I had colleagues there who I saw as almost family, but it turned out that they didn’t see me that way. I had many things said about me and accusations made against me, which were NOT true, and I had no way of defending myself.
I was put through hell, having to hear all the terrible accusations and lies being said about me, but not being allowed to refute them as I was told to keep quiet and not contact anyone from the department. I became a recluse- cut myself off from everyone I loved. I didn’t leave my flat, barely cleaned it, stopped exercising, survived on cereal as that was the only thing I could stomach and stopped taking care of myself. I greatly admire the people who stuck by me during this period of my life and are still here now, because I was hard bloody work! My union rep was fantastic and made sure they didn’t walk all over me in mediation meetings, where I was made to feel like a criminal, may I add. Again, nothing was true, but I was made to feel like the worst person to ever walk this earth. Ted Bundy? Peter Sutcliffe? Nah, they had nothing on me at that point.
I had to claim Jobseekers allowance for a few months, which was something I never thought I would do. This is not a dig at those who do claim it, by the way, I have just always worked and never not had a job since a young age. I wasn’t used to it and in some ways, I felt I was being judged again, just like I had at my job (which I had left, as I knew if I didn’t, I would have been dismissed due to the aforementioned false claims made. I had no evidence to prove my innocence except my honest word, which was not enough for them. I will go to my grave knowing I didn’t do anything they say I did). I didn’t feel I deserved to be claiming it- I had totally failed. I was terrified of losing my flat and everything I had worked so hard for. I felt like a failure- I couldn’t do anything right.
I started to apply for jobs, throwing myself into it as I do with everything, not really caring what the job was- I just needed one. I had been offered one previously, which was withdrawn due to my old workplace refusing to provide a reference for me due to everything above. That was an earth shattering blow, as it was a role I knew I would have excelled in. This put me back a few steps, as I had been completely honest in my interview. I was offered a few other interviews but alas, no luck.
This had a tremendous effect on my self-esteem- I didn’t feel good enough for any role and wasn’t surprised nobody wanted me. I retreated even more into my shell and was a shadow of my former self. My inner monologue was telling me I was useless, a failure, no good. And I believed it. Why wouldn’t I? If my own brain was against me, how the hell was I supposed to convince anyone else I was worthy?
I started blogging, which I found such a release, and was also offered a blogging spot over at Boxession, where I have made some amazing friends! This, I truly believe, saved my life! After weeks of dialling the Samaritans number and cowardly hanging up before I could say anything, I felt like I had a purpose again. I stopped thinking about all the horrible things I wanted to do to myself and started to think about face masks and lipstick. They may seem trivial things now, but at the time, it was like a light bulb had been turned on. It gave me confidence.
I then saw a job advert for a Junior Psychologist role and decided to apply for it. I had all the relevant qualifications, but lacked experience. I was so surprised to be asked to interview. Surprise turned to nerves when I realised I had to give a presentation as part of it! But then I remembered- I do live unboxing videos! I could channel my confidence from those and essentially pretend I was doing one of them for my presentation, and then I wouldn’t feel as nervous!
My interview day came and I was a bag of nerves as I made the 2-hour car journey up to the office. There were 4 other candidates and only 2 positions- this would be tough and I knew it. I watched the others do their presentations, so impressed and feeling very inferior. Then it was my turn. I plugged my memory stick into the laptop they offered me and… nothing. It crashed completely, leaving me with no slides to illustrate my points. I had made some notes to go along with it, so I wasn’t totally stuck on what to say, but it did throw me off somewhat. I was convinced that that had totally ruined my chances. The interview that followed was pretty informal and relaxed, but I left thinking I had totally blown it.
The next day, I was at the gym when an unknown number called my mobile. I was mid squat and didn’t get to the phone in time, but the voicemail message appeared and when I listened to it, it was the CEO of the company I had interviewed for the day before asking me to call her back. With trembling hands, I dialled the number and held my breath.
“We would like to offer you a job” was not the response I was expecting. But it was the response I got! I was so excited, relieved and happy that I burst into tears there and then, jumping on my friend who was in the gym with me. I accepted the job straight away, so excited to start a job I wanted so much. I called my mum and we cried together- the worst period of my life was over!
I am sharing my story not for sympathy, not to slag anyone off (hence why colleagues and the job itself have not been named and I haven’t gone into a lot of detail), but simply to raise awareness that stress, anxiety, depression, mental illness in general can and does happen to anyone. I have a background in psychology, thought I could fix myself. The truth is, I didn’t even recognise it in myself.
We are so focused on everything else in life that we don’t take enough time to check in with ourselves and ask ‘how am I doing, really?’. Self-care is important.
When I look back on that period of my life, I still hurts. But in some ways, I am also thankful, because it showed me just how strong I really am. It made a fighter of me.
Oh, and one more thing: we have a tradition in my family where we believe a white feather symbolises the presence of a lost loved one. The morning of my interview for my job, when I went down to my car, guess what I found tucked under my windscreen wiper?
A white feather…