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Dear Anxiety,
I’m going to called you Annie for short, I think.
You’ve been there for as long as I can remember. When I was 7, in the school playground wondering who would play with me? You were there then. When I was at secondary school and I would look in the mirror and hate what I saw and understood why no boys ever fancied me? That was you, too. At university, when I studied psychology (which is now my job) and I wondered countless times if I was good enough? Yep, you again Annie.
Even now, in my life, whenever I see anyone laughing, I think it is at me. I am scared to make new friends, to put myself out there. I am convinced I will fail and that I don’t deserve to be happy. That is you too, isn’t it?
Those days where I feel on edge for no reason, or the time I had to pull over my car because suddenly my heart was pounding and there were tears rolling down my face, they are there because of you. That little voice in my head that tells me ‘You are never enough’.
Everytime I have a feeling where I am a failure, where I feel like the worst is about to happen, where I am hard on myself, tear myself down and don’t feel worthy, I know that is you Annie. You don’t need to remind me of your presence. I feel you. Everyday.
Somedays it feels like time is standing still, others it feels like the world is rushing by me. I have no control, and you make me hate that. You make me feel so scared of the unknown, the uncertain. I always assume the worst. You make me do that too. I guess I am always prepared that way...
Annie, you make me dread things I should look forward to. Almost make me not want to go. I have to force myself to step outside my door because I know I always enjoy it when I get there and the feeling of guilt if I didn’t go would be too much to bear, but once there, you still try and convince me I need to leave.
A lot of people say it is just nerves and that I should get over it. But you are far worse than that, Annie. I wouldn’t wish you on my worst enemy.
I have some days where I feel you from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, and I know that it is not going to be a good day. Equally, I also have days where you just decide to rear your head at a random time during the day and ruin the rest of that day for me. You’re really good at that Annie.
You make me strive to be perfect in a world where that is not possible. You make me exhausted- I cannot switch you off. You are there constantly, like a parrot on my shoulder, holding me back.
There have been times where you have caused me to lash out, unnecessarily, at my loved ones because I was feeling your presence too much. I know they will take it, because they love me and they know I struggle, but they shouldn’t have to. It isn’t their fault.
But then, I have to take some of the blame here Annie. I allow you to do this to me. I allow you to have such an effect on my life. I let you hold me back. I let you make me feel like less than enough. It is so damn exhausting to argue with you that in the end, I just give in.
You make me doubt myself in a number of ways and you make me believe you. You make me believe that I am a failure, that I will never be good enough, that I don’t deserve to be happy.
I have moments where I can rationalise and I can be logical. And I live for those moments of clarity, rare as they are. You see Annie, when your own brain tells you something negative about yourself often enough, you start to believe it. Because why on earth would your own brain turn against you, right?!
You are so hard to explain to someone that doesn’t deal with you every day. It is like I am fighting a constant battle with my own mind. And that probably makes me sound totally crazy. I know deep down that most of my negative thoughts are irrational. I know from my work as a psychologist that we are more inclined to negative automatic thoughts and we have to work much harder for positive ones. But why is that the case Annie? Why are you so against me?
I guess in some ways, I do need to thank you. You make me strive to be a better person and you make sure I don’t get myself into dangerous situations. You make sure that the work I produce is the best I can possibly do. And you make me passionate about helping others who also experience what I do every day. For that, I am so grateful to you Annie.
It is partly because of you that I am where I am today. You haven’t allowed me to settle for second best because I have been so determined to prove you wrong. You are the kick up the backside I need sometimes.
It is almost definitely all because of you that I am so passionate about mental health and campaign to help raise awareness and end stigma. I am not ashamed that I have you, Annie, and nor should anyone else be. Everyone should feel able to speak out about you and get help for you without feeling judged, or being scared of backlash. And while you make every day a challenge, I know that I will never be fully rid of you. So I want to use my insider knowledge for the greater good. I hope you know you won’t beat me.
So I just wanted to end this by saying that I don’t suffer from you. There are days that are worse than others and on those days, I need to take a step back and see what is important. Anything that isn’t, well, that can wait until I feel better.
I don’t live with you, Annie, you live with me!
Regards,
Gemma.
